Just Say No

Boundaries.

I am notoriously bad at setting boundaries. Or keeping them, for that matter. This is especially true if it comes to time, money, or emotionally draining people. I could cite any number of examples, but suffice it to say in the last three months, I have twice given money to people who have not even been bothered to be nice to me in recent times, or even not so recent times. Last week I gave three months notice to a job for which I work only one hour a week, but managed to let them coax three unpaid hours of time out of me to train someone who they are not sure they will actually hire. Also, I have a client that is rude, monopolizes my time, and generally makes me feel badly that I continue to instruct because, well, I'm not sure. Mostly, I feel bullied, like a school kid that just wants people to like her. Contrary to what you might think, I did not get a sense of satisfaction, of holding the moral high ground, or of compassionate sainthood from these deeds. In fact, they made me feel worse for knowing that I had been taken advantage of, that I am unable to stand up for myself, and that I value the wrong peoples opinions of me. And you know what? People do like me, not all of them, but plenty enough for a happy life. So, what does one do? Stop being charitable? Stop giving to people in need? Stop helping out? No. Of course not. But I m determined to change to whom I gift my time and energy. I can give money and time to strangers, charitable organizations, or even just people who bother to say thank you and feel much better about the world and myself in it. As for the boundaries, one thing at a time.

www.rubygonewild.com

The Shiny Toy

Perspective.

Ten years ago I would never have known or cared if some guy from high school that I was not even particularly friends with got married in a western-themed three day wedding. I would not have any idea how many people from that same high school went on to marry each other, or have large broods of children, or that they named them all in odd nouveau riche fashion.  I would not watch the tragedies of illness and accident play out in these peoples lives, instead learning about them, perhaps, as a footnote to another conversation with someone with whom I have an actual relationship. "Did you hear about so and so?" "Oh, that's too bad." Now though, I do know about these things. I see the happenings of all kinds of people to whom I am not really connected, but I do not really share in them, nor is it my place to. That person that friended me on Facebook after not calling for eight years is probably just satisfying either their ego (how many friends do you have?) or some kind of morbid curiosity (can you believe she looks like that now?). While I appreciate the opportunity to say a few kind words to an old friend or donate money to a good cause, I wonder if any of this is tangible, if any of the connections are real. More and more I find the shiny toy of social media useful only for the passing along of information, largely to and from people with whom I have no emotional connection. It serves as a wonderful newsletter and bulletin board and promotional tool, but falls short in maintaining any kind of real connection or friendship. I shudder to think that people who pay attention to my Facebook page believe they understand anything about who I am or how I live my life. 

Perhaps today is a good day to reconsider the role of social media in our lives, particularly with respect to the assumptions we make about other people, who and how they are, and whether or not we are actually maintaining a friendship with them. Consider the people in your life that really matter, then pick up the phone and actually speak to them, you will both be glad for it.

Picture:

  http://momsparkmedia.com/big-hugs-elmo-twitter-party-monday-august-12-2013-at-300pm-et-bighugselmo-partner/

Friends and Benefits

If.

My mother always told me to be careful how you treated people because while you never know what they carry on their plate, you can be sure that it is full.  I always thought she was talking about strangers but sometimes we need to be aware of how this plays out with people closer to us as well.  Some notes on friends:

If they are busy, keep calling.  If you are busy, keep calling.

While friends are great sounding boards, remember to also use them to celebrate the best of your life, not complain about the worst.

Assume that as friends they mean no harm and approach discussion, disagreements and misunderstandings as such.

If you know you do not agree on a topic, choose someone else to discuss it with.

Assume you know only what they choose to show you, and consider the possibility that life has its ups and downs for everyone.

Thank them, often.