Just Say No

Boundaries.

I am notoriously bad at setting boundaries. Or keeping them, for that matter. This is especially true if it comes to time, money, or emotionally draining people. I could cite any number of examples, but suffice it to say in the last three months, I have twice given money to people who have not even been bothered to be nice to me in recent times, or even not so recent times. Last week I gave three months notice to a job for which I work only one hour a week, but managed to let them coax three unpaid hours of time out of me to train someone who they are not sure they will actually hire. Also, I have a client that is rude, monopolizes my time, and generally makes me feel badly that I continue to instruct because, well, I'm not sure. Mostly, I feel bullied, like a school kid that just wants people to like her. Contrary to what you might think, I did not get a sense of satisfaction, of holding the moral high ground, or of compassionate sainthood from these deeds. In fact, they made me feel worse for knowing that I had been taken advantage of, that I am unable to stand up for myself, and that I value the wrong peoples opinions of me. And you know what? People do like me, not all of them, but plenty enough for a happy life. So, what does one do? Stop being charitable? Stop giving to people in need? Stop helping out? No. Of course not. But I m determined to change to whom I gift my time and energy. I can give money and time to strangers, charitable organizations, or even just people who bother to say thank you and feel much better about the world and myself in it. As for the boundaries, one thing at a time.

www.rubygonewild.com

Lao Tzu to Voodoo

Faith.

There is nothing like leaving your familiar context to gain some perspective. From a distance it is easier to see pettiness, proportion, and what is really important. Travel is a great opportunity not only to rediscover selflessness and what you can let go of but also what things you really need and the importance of self care. Self compassion as a path to peace and the end of suffering is taught in one way or another by almost every faith system, but it takes recognition of the self as important, and an understanding of what we actually need for happiness versus what are just the trappings of our daily lives to be able to implement it for ourselves.  Self care and mindfulness come so easily when we are outside the pressing and pulling of daily life. Things and people that pull on us, press their own sense of import, obligation, and correctness on us are abundant from within our own small worlds but nearly disappear entirely when viewed from the horizon. The trick is to keep them there.

Photograph:

http://www.steveseay.com/mindfulness-act-pain-suffering/

The Disappointing Guru

Of Gods and Men

Expectations.

Here is an excellent example of exactly how twisted American culture and perspective has become.

At a stadium speaking event with the Dalai Lama recently at which I could only look around and think, "This is why we can't have nice things."

Concession stands open, selling a steady stream of corn dogs.

Sorority girl with high heels, mini skirt, and giant tub of popcorn.

The University President choosing to make "branding" the first interaction with the Dalai Lama.

Every Catholic priest in attendance, presumably in an attempt to not be outdone by the Dalai Lama and his monk brigade in their red robes, dressed in full white and green vestments.

Upset Facebook conversations when the Dalai Lama reveals himself to be exactly what he is, human.  Especially strange as he specifically discussed his own need to be seen as just another person, that being seen as the Dalai Lama can only create loneliness.

Ten thousand white, middle class liberals jumping up and down, waving their arms and yelling at the Dalai Lama, because that is what Americans do when they get excited.  This too, was something the Dalai Lama had just said we could stop doing so much of, suggesting more moderation of behavior.

Perhaps we all need to accept the idea that, just like us, the Dalai Lama is no more than a simple human being, and should be treated as such.  To expect a message more groundbreaking than that from a Buddhist monk is certainly missing the point.

Like what you are reading?  Then support the Kickstarter for my book Girl Gone Wild- On Being a Woman in the Wilderness.  Thanks!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1731666363/girl-gone-wild-a-guide-to-being-a-woman-outside?ref=city

Of Gods and Men

Expectations.

Here is an excellent example of exactly how twisted American culture and perspective has become.

At a stadium speaking event with the Dalai Lama recently at which I could only look around and think, "This is why we can't have nice things."

Concession stands open, selling a steady stream of corn dogs.

Sorority girl with high heels, mini skirt, and giant tub of popcorn.

The University President choosing to make "branding" the first interaction with the Dalai Lama.

Every Catholic priest in attendance, presumably in an attempt to not be outdone by the Dalai Lama and his monk brigade in their red robes, dressed in full white and green vestments.

Upset Facebook conversations when the Dalai Lama reveals himself to be exactly what he is, human.  Especially strange as he specifically discussed his own need to be seen as just another person, that being seen as the Dalai Lama can only create loneliness.

Ten thousand white, middle class liberals jumping up and down, waving their arms and yelling at the Dalai Lama, because that is what Americans do when they get excited.  This too, was something the Dalai Lama had just said we could stop doing so much of, suggesting more moderation of behavior.

Perhaps we all need to accept the idea that, just like us, the Dalai Lama is no more than a simple human being, and should be treated as such.  To expect a message more groundbreaking than that from a Buddhist monk is certainly missing the point.

Photograph Courtesy of:

http://www.last.fm/music/Dalai+Lama

Friends and Benefits

If.

My mother always told me to be careful how you treated people because while you never know what they carry on their plate, you can be sure that it is full.  I always thought she was talking about strangers but sometimes we need to be aware of how this plays out with people closer to us as well.  Some notes on friends:

If they are busy, keep calling.  If you are busy, keep calling.

While friends are great sounding boards, remember to also use them to celebrate the best of your life, not complain about the worst.

Assume that as friends they mean no harm and approach discussion, disagreements and misunderstandings as such.

If you know you do not agree on a topic, choose someone else to discuss it with.

Assume you know only what they choose to show you, and consider the possibility that life has its ups and downs for everyone.

Thank them, often.

Like what you are reading?  Then support the Kickstarter for my book Girl Gone Wild- On Being a Woman in the Wilderness.  Thanks!

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1731666363/girl-gone-wild-a-guide-to-being-a-woman-outside?ref=city

Photograph:

http://www.thechangeblog.com/how-to-make-friends/

The Age of Letting Go

Fly.

I spent the first two decades of my life like many of us do, trying to please other people.  When that would fail, which it inevitably did, my approach was to blame myself, my failings, my big mouth.  I always wanted to fix it, to make amends, make peace, make up.  The idea of losing someone, a friend, a boyfriend, whomever, was terrifying to me; I thought that even if the nature of the relationship shifted there could always be room for that person in my world.  So I took their tirades, constructive criticisms, gossip, and side remarks all to heart, always assuming there was something that I could and should do to please and therefore keep a person in my life.  What I did not understand was that a persons pleasure or displeasure with me, their reasons for moving on or staying near, or really, any of their choices whatsoever, had little to nothing to do with me.   People can say things out of spite, jealousy, and greed.  They can and often do put their own interests first and judge others unabashedly through their own lenses and biases.  They rarely have the success and happiness of those around them at the core of their actions. 

This is not to say that people are bad or unkind or dis-compassionate, just that there are times in life in which those around us do not serve us as friends, mentors, or partners.  When this becomes clear, it is time to let them go.  For the first time in my life I am doing just that, letting people that bring me down, interfere, complain, or act as bad influences just...slip away.  For the first time I have a clear sense of living my own life, for its own purpose, and taking really good care of the most important person in my world, myself.  

Expression of Care

Love.

It has taken me many years to come to realize that I am just as worthy of care, attention and affection as anyone else.  That those around me may neglect to willingly or graciously give those things to me is not a reflection on me or an indication that I am a lesser person.  People give what they have to offer, which often times is not a lot.  Often they either lack the time, skills, or compassion to reach out to others.  Ultimately, their behaviors are theirs to own, not anything that I can influence.

Consider our own ability to express gratitude and love.  Consider the impact that a daily expression of care to those you value may have on your life. Try harder to show the people that you love that they are important, that their presence in your world has import and weight.  Try not to let them slip away. 

Photo Courtesy of:

http://www.tlynnfaz.com/Get-Angry

Walk On By

Homeless.

The baby boomer generation is growing old; all of them; all at the same time.  The unanticipated consequences of the boom, which for the first few decades of their lives were a boon to the economy, have shifted.  Instead of a country over flowing with young, healthy workers, we are a country of elders.  And they are in bad shape.  The boomers have high rates of cancer and obesity, they lost much of their wealth in the recent recession, and are increasingly dependent on social programs that are dwindling and under sequester.

They are also increasingly homeless.  According to a report by NPR, the average age of a homeless person in the United States is 47.  Life on the streets is hard, unsafe, physically demanding, and exposed to the elements.  Life expectancy is short.  

Homelessness is growing.  These are our elderly, our veterans, our mentally ill, and our most unfortunate.  Try to remember that the true face of homelessness is not standing, drug-ridden at the corner with a sign asking for money to help them score, but hidden in the edges of our view, doorways, libraries, clinics, taking up what small space they can.  

Try not to look away.  Let's try to start seeing homelessness before we look around and find that we have neglected an entire generation, left them on the ice.  Let's keep good care of our elders.

To Locate a Homeless Shelter Near You:

http://www.homelessshelterdirectory.org/

References/Resources:

NPR's recent story on homelessness and aging in America:

http://www.npr.org/2013/03/13/173463462/aging-homeless-face-more-health-issues-early-death

Photo Courtesy of:

http://www.empowernetwork.com/dianed/photographer-lynn-blodgett-executive-vp-of-xerox-to-debut-portfolios-at-art-basel-first-time-for-sale-to-the-public/

White Smoke

Francis.

This week the conclave ended and the new South American Pope was declared.  He chose to call himself Francis I.  This is an encouraging sign, if any credence is given to the idea that that a popes chosen name reflects something of their faith and whom they choose to emulate.  

St Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals and the environment is universally revered for his liberalism, acceptance, and protection of the innocent.  Never ordained, St Francis was born into wealth, but chose a life of simple poverty.  He was humble, kind, and compassionate.   

The world, and its more than one billion Catholics are ready for a new kind of pope; one with compassion, humanity, and a sense of modern times.  Regardless of your religious affiliations, the pope and what he thinks and says are important to you, because all  those Catholics are listening to him. Worried about population growth? Then you had better care what the pope has to say about birth control and abortion.  Concerned about the environment? Then hope the pope is too, he has a lot of people listening.

The prayer of St. Francis:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Update.

Pope Francis I is living up to the hopes of liberal and progressive Catholics; and terrifying and scandalizing the institutional powers that be as well as his handlers.  Two cases in point: after a recent hotel stay, Pope Francis I went down to the front desk and did what we all do, paid the bill, himself, like a real human being.  And this; he has taken to going out to into the streets to greet the public, and shaking their hands.

I find this so refreshing.  A humanized Pope is long overdue in the church and perhaps the only thing that will salvage the Catholic religion from the trappings of its own institutions and politics.  Moreover, it stands as a good reminder for everyone, that all of us, especially in the face of success, money, and power, can use a little humility.  We can all be more human to one another.

Photo Courtesy of:

http://www.saintalbansepiscopal.org/2012_09_01_archive.html

Post Secret

Shhhhhhh.

There is a hugely popular bog called PostSecret that is an ongoing public art project in which people submit secrets written on one side of a postcard.  A lot of the posts are funny, and most of them are visually interesting; until they aren't.  There are posts about abortions, rape, infidelity, and addiction, there are the kinds of awful things you cannot make up in the first place and then cannot get rid of after you see them.  Sometimes it is hard to tell if the post is from a true confessor in need of anonymous catharsis, or a thrill seeker pushing their fantasy onto a voyeuristic audience.  Every time I go to this blog I come away feeling a little dirty and depressed.  

I understand the compulsion towards confession, especially anonymous confession.  I think we all need the weight of our secrets, the actions of our past selves or the actions of others that we have suffered or witnessed, to be lifted, even momentarily.  But it is difficult to face the enormity of our collective hidden lives. The part of me that wants for people to be healthy and well reels from just how unhappy, dysfunctional, and cruel we really are.  I'm not sure that it makes me feel better to know that people feel badly about it.  

Candy Chang, a New Orleans-based public artist has taken a similar  but more positive and inspiring approach to confession as public art in several of her installations.  In Confessions, she prompted people to write confessions on posted slips of paper in a contemplative space inspired by Shinto shrines.  Her acknowledgement of the influence of both Shinto and Catholic concepts of confession in her work are what distinguishes it from PostSecret.  Confessions has none of the sensationalism, no feeling of desperation or attention grabbing that you find on Post Secret.  The result is far more profound and simple, and the tone of the confessions decidedly more positive.  It turns out that in a contemplative space people confess love in addition to loss.

Secrets are like anything else, to keep them carries a price and a weight.  There are lots of ways to unburden yourself and there are lots of people with secrets.  Consider letting go of one of yours.

References/Links:

Post Secret:

http://www.postsecret.com/

Confessions:

http://candychang.com/confessions/

Before I Die:

http://candychang.com/before-i-die-in-nola/

Eyes Wide Shut

trust.

I am an idealist. Still. Not because I maintain naiveté regarding the nature of the world or ignorance of its evils and seeming inevitabilities, but because it’s in my nature and, well, someone has to be. Idealism gives us cause to fight the good fight. Idealism gives us hope. However one of the complications of being an idealist is the ever-present and looming threat of disillusionment. To combat this I have had to create a paradigm of hope and faith in certain over-arching values, love, compassion, charity, through which to see the world in order to reconcile the evening news with my vision of a peaceful society. The extension of my idealism to my personal life and relationships creates a peculiar and piercing vulnerability, particularly in terms of trust. And trust, as with idealism, is both important and dangerous. Trust is the thing that binds me to the people to whom I am the closest, it lets me be my true self, free from fear of judgment, allows for the exchange of confidences, and combats loneliness. Betrayal of trust is the fastest route to a loss of self respect and a profound sense of abandonment that I have ever experienced. It is easy in the face of betrayal to want to put up barriers and refuse to trust again. But we can’t afford to do that. I think my willingness to trust other people is directly tied to my idealism, my hope. And I choose not to live a life devoid of hope. So I take a breath, gather myself, and begin to trust again.

Also Referenced:http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/trust/
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/trust

I'm Sorry Baby

abuse.

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are closely linked, emotional abuse often being a "gateway drug" to full blown physical violence. Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, screaming, ridicule and name-calling. Constant criticism, threats, social isolation, exploitation, intimidation and stalking are also forms of emotional abuse. Statistics on emotional abuse are hard to come by, but most experts agree that the numbers far outreach those for physical abuse.
The numbers: Nationally, one in four women, regardless of class or race, is expected to experience domestic violence in her lifetime. 75% of women reporting rape stated their attacker was an intimate partner of some kind. Three women a day are murdered a day by their intimate partners.

But it doesn't take fists to to traumatize or victimize a partner. Yelling, insults, emotional blackmail, unjustified accusations, and behavioral punishment can be just as hurtful and damaging as physical violence. And emotional abuse is much harder to identify.

On average, only 21% of victims are thought to seek outside help.

Abuse victims are generally ashamed of it, in part because they have been manipulated to believe that they deserve it, but also because abusers are often good at hiding their behaviors, reserving them for home. So they don't tell anyone. But its real, and scary, and sad. And entirely preventable. Perhaps there should be a place in all our discussions of change for those changes that must begin at home. Perhaps our greater humanity is more closely tied to our treatment of those closest to us, the ones we claim to love, the ones we share our lives with, than we are willing to admit. We cry out against the treatment of our detainees, but let our friends, family members, neighbors, coworkers suffer in silence.

We will not achieve compassion on the global stage if we do not address our treatment of one another in the simple goings on of everyday life.

If you need help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline1-800-799-SAFE (7233)1-800-787-3224 (TDD)

Statistics Courtesy of :
Domestic Violence Resource Center P.O. Box 494 Hillsboro, OR 97123 p 503.640.5352 f 503.648.6905